The Devil’s Switchboard

Last week I filled you in on what I learned while I was just “being” for a couple months. There is one other thing that was made clear to me during that time that I didn’t share with you. I came to realize the truth in the old phrase, "Idle hands are the devil’s workshop." I can attest to the truth in that phrase. Somehow, someway, the devil is alerted when we decide to just be. It’s like he’s standing in front of a large switchboard on which each of us has a light that lights up red when we are in a state of just being. The devil is alerted and plugs into the receptacle under our light to connect with us.  Then he quietly, but relentlessly, converses with us. He whispers through the line. He brings to our attention those things that scare us, sadden us, disappoint us, and make us anxious. He fills our heads with doubts and subtle lies. He dredges up our failures and past mistakes. I feel ambushed and defenseless when this happens. I can go down a rabbit hole of anxiety and worry and all kinds of dark feelings very quickly. My knee jerk reaction is to busy myself, both physically and mentally. I want my red light to go off so he leaves me alone. I felt these moments of real warfare with the devil when I was just being. So many times, the negative ruminations overshadowed the pure joy and goodness that surrounded me. The peace and intimacy with God that is available when we are still was stolen from me bit by bit. I could feel it. I have felt myself headed for that rabbit hole many times in the past, but for some reason this time, I felt a strong desire to not let it happen. I was going to fight back. As I was being taunted by the devil, the state of just being afforded me the quiet and the focused space to connect with the Holy Spirit, and the Spirit gave me all I needed to recognize what was going on and the courage to make the choice to fight back. This time fighting with the power of the Holy Spirit and not my own power. I didn’t run away by busying myself, I stood firm in the stillness and fought back. And I won. I won because I was able to live life...

What I KNOW – You Can Fall In Love With God

I’m back. As you recall, I had decided to take the month of July off and just be. I took a break from doing and just focused on being. To say it was worth it is an understatement. It was so worth it that I took the month of August off too! But duty has called and I’m back in the Firstfruits driver’s seat along with my team, looking forward to our fifteenth season. I did sit down a couple of times in the last few weeks to update you on what has been going on but had a hard time putting my thoughts in writing. I’m still trying to process all that happened in the land of just being. First, let me tell you about the more easily understood happenings of the last couple months of being. I stopped trying to keep my monstrous mane looking presentable and let the humidity take my hair hostage. I also developed sensitivity to my eye make-up so I stopped using it. It felt good and very freeing not to have to think so much about my physical appearance. I came face to face (literally) with the aging me and invited her to stay this time. The bird in the picture above reminded me of me. It came out of the bath all puffed up and looking so disheveled. However, it didn’t seem to care what it looked like. It didn’t shake itself back into some semblance of order. It just relaxed in its natural state. A great lesson I learned from just being. I spent way more time in the garden or just reading outside during my down time. I tried not to plan too far ahead. I lived in the moment. I traveled to California and Elkhart Lake. I golfed. I spent a week with my sister who came in from out of town, and I fell in love. Yes, you read that right. This is the not-so-easily-understood part of my journey of being. I fell in love with something or someone. I haven’t quite figured it out exactly but I think it’s God.   I have come to realize that there is a difference between loving someone and being “in love” with someone. I love my dad but I am in love with my husband. Being in love includes an intimacy that loving doesn’t. I have acknowledged that I love God for a very long time. I show...

What I KNOW – We are Human Beings, Not Human Doings

I was born a human being, not a human doing. I know that in God’s master plan for us humans, he intended there to be more time being than doing. Doing is necessary. Otherwise, how would the meals get made and the bills get paid? From very early on we are taught how to do. No one teaches us how to be. If we are blessed, we figure that out on our own. We figure out, through trial and error, just how much doing we can do before we need to just be for a while. Just being is often harder than doing. It necessitates a slowing down. It gives a microphone to those voices in our heads that tell us that being is just downright lazy, unproductive, and wasteful. Shameful even. God made us human beings and wants us to be with Him. Not just for all eternity but for here and now. I have decided I have been doing a lot of doing and need some time to be. I feel God agrees. So, for the month of July, I am going to just be. I hope you will consider joining me. I’ll be back at the keyboard in August full of more things I KNOW from just being. See you then, Joan...

What I KNOW – Things Complicate Life

Maybe it’s just me, but online shopping complicates my life more than it simplifies it. I guess I’m just not good at it. More times than not, I end up returning most of what I buy because it’s not what I thought I was getting, I receive defective merchandise, or I just come to my senses. My shopping tends to go in cycles. I can go a long time without the urge to purchase, then I get discontented with my wardrobe or my surroundings or I decide I’m going to become a master gardener or self-made handyman, so I get online. Inevitably, I purchase items that won’t work because I neglected to notice some minute detail, or they’re missing parts, or I forgot I’m short and thought I’d look like the model. Yesterday, I was in line at the Amazon return counter at Kohls. I was on my second return of lightbulbs for our new chandelier. (When did buying light bulbs necessitate an engineering degree?) The line was six people deep. There was a sweet young mother at the front of the line with a large wagon full of packages, a toddler underfoot, and a baby strapped to her chest. Things were going as well as could be expected until the reception on her phone went out, so half way through her returns, she could no longer call up the barcodes that the attendant needed to complete the transactions. She remained relatively calm through it all and stepped out of line to let the rest of us go ahead. Luckily everyone else in line was patient and sympathized with her. It could have been a lot worse. As I stood there taking it all in, I thought to myself how things have complicated our lives. All these things that are supposed to make life easier make it more complicated. They suck the ease and simplicity out of life. I’m craving ease and simplicity in my life these days because I know simplicity brings joy. I started pondering the times in my life when I felt the joy of simplicity. One memory popped into my head and just thinking about it brought me such a sense of calm and joy. One summer, when I was in middle school, my cousin Janet and I spent a week with her grandma and grandpa. Grandma and Grandpa Hesselink lived in Cedar Grove, Wisconsin which seemed like a world away from my...

What I KNOW – The Formula for Forgiveness

Math is not one of my strong suits. Just ask my sister, the accountant. I manage to calculate the tip at a restaurant, balance my checkbook, and add up my golf score accurately, but not always on the first try. Algebraic equations, square roots, and the answer to that age old story problem of when those two speeding trains that left different stations at the same time, going different speeds, would intersect just aren’t important enough for me to want to spend a lot of time thinking about it. I struggle to understand the relevance and the effect these formulas have on my life. There is, however, one formula that I have come to discover that is really important and worth committing the equation that represents it to memory. Its relevance is obvious if you are human and its effect is life transforming. That equation is: Mercy + Grace = Forgiveness I know that forgiveness is one of the hardest things we are called to do in our lifetime.  Disappointment, rejection, criticism, and conditional love are just a few of the hurts we inevitably experience in our journey of life. The only balm for these wounds is forgiveness. The only way to forgiveness is a with merciful heart showered with God’s grace. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, and it doesn’t mean you’re letting the other person off the hook. It does, however, mean freeing yourself from the bondage of that person’s actions.  It means trusting that God will ultimately make things right. This ability to trust and hand things over takes a power that only comes from God. In order to forgive we need a merciful heart, mercy meaning undeserved favor.  We need a heart that is willing to love, or at least like, the unlovable. It helps me to show mercy to those who have hurt me when I think about the mercy I have been shown by God. Thinking about the many times I have been given undeserved second chances and blessings in spite of my poor choices humbles me and softens my heart. In order to have a heart willing and be able to show mercy, we need God’s grace, pure and simple. We can’t do it on our own. I know, I have tried. I have tried to will myself to be kind, to show underserved favor to those who have hurt me, and at best it works temporarily. Inevitably, the old feelings creep back in...

What I KNOW – Humans Disappoint, God Doesn’t

For as long as I can remember, one of the main driving forces in my life has been the desire to not disappoint. My parents’ form of discipline wasn’t “spare the rod, spoil the child” even though a good spanking wasn’t frowned upon back in those days. My parents’ form of discipline was more subtle but still very powerful. Somehow, they subtly and lovingly got it across to us kids what they expected of us and I never wanted to disappoint them. I unknowingly adopted that same parenting style for my own children. To me, there is nothing more gut-wrenching and self-deflating than knowing that I have disappointed someone I love. It’s the sneaky motive behind my tendency for people pleasing. I put a lot of pressure on myself to anticipate and provide everything everyone needs which is down- right ridiculous. Somehow, in my mind, I see it as attainable if I just work hard enough at it. But no matter how hard you work at remembering birthdays, sending thank you notes, staying connected to friends, acknowledging achievements, expressing condolences, offering help, or curbing sarcastic remarks, you are bound to disappoint someone, somewhere along the way. My latest bout of disappointing a loved one has brought me to a breaking point in this crazy thinking. After much self-induced angst and cycles of beating myself up, then beating the other person up (figuratively speaking), I have reached a moment of grace in it all. God has reminded me that I, a human, will disappoint. Disappointment is inevitable. We can’t live up to anyone else’s expectations all of the time. We will inevitably and often unintentionally make choices in our words and actions that disappoint others. There is no way around it. The sooner we can accept that truth, the more at peace we can be. The more loving we can be to ourselves. Realizing I am not God, and only God doesn’t disappoint, has brought moments of peace to my crazy thinking. I was able to hand the person over to God and ask that He meet her in that disappointment and offer some relief and meet me in my angst and offer me some relief. And He did. I disappoint, God does not. This I KNOW. What do you KNOW? Joan...

I KNOW – Where God Hides Out

A couple weeks ago I told you that the focus of my blogs, going forward, would be telling you what I know. It was a directive from God years ago when I found myself doing a lot of speaking and writing. “Tell them what you know” has been my guiding light ever since. So here is what I KNOW, this week. If you struggle with church, if the binding of your bible has never been cracked, if you have never participated in the miracle of birth or witnessed the last breath of a loved one, you can still know God. You can still experience His love. You can still be overwhelmed with awe at His care for you. You can still know His desire to shower you with grace. All you need to do is step outside. I KNOW that one of God’s most visible and most universal hide-outs is in nature. Creation is God’s business card. He hands it out to everyone, everywhere. He is in the business of providing us with constant reminders of His presence, power, and detailed care for us. God doesn’t just stop at unconditional love which is in itself amazing. He tops that off by surrounding us with unnecessary detailed beauty that is pure gift and pure splendor. When we think of God’s splendor on display in nature, we tend to go right to beautiful sunsets, the Northern Lights, giant Sequoias, and majestic mountains. But what about insects? Take a good look at the picture that is at the beginning of this blog. This is a creature that met me as I was hanging a flower basket on the tree in our front yard. To really appreciate this masterpiece, you have to study the detail. This seemingly one-eyed, buck-toothed, chipmunk-cheeked dragonfly gave me a valuable lesson about the character of God. God has a boundless desire to shower us with beauty and delights. I am so grateful I was in the right place at the right time to witness this messenger of God’s creativity and God’s desire to surround me with undeniable proof of His presence in my world. It’s easy to see God in a starry sky, a little harder in a scary looking insect, but He’s there. That I KNOW. What do you KNOW? Joan...

What I Know

Years ago, I helped develop a scripture study called “Simply the WORD.” My part in it was to give a short talk each week about how the particular scripture we were studying related to our everyday lives. I felt a great sense of responsibility with this weekly task. I knew I couldn’t do it on my own and that I needed to rely on the Holy Spirit to move the pen across the paper, and as I got more tech savvy, my fingers across the computer keyboard. The words needed to come from God’s truths, not mine. I took my “job” very seriously. I would often sit in the little Adoration Chapel near our house with pen and paper waiting for inspiration. I guess I thought I’d hear better being closer to God. I remember sitting in the chapel one day and feeling anxious about that week’s talk. I was feeling more insecure than inspired. Then these words popped into my head, “Just tell them what you know.” I have those words written on a Post-It note (See above) that I have prominently displayed in my office. A constant reminder of how simple, yet wise and powerful, God’s instructions to us can be. For the next few months, (or until I’m told otherwise) I’m going to tell you what I know. I know you should unplug the toaster before you stick a fork in to retrieve the burnt bread. I know bridges freeze before roads. (So the signs say.) I know you don’t wear white before Memorial Day. I know the square root of forty-nine. This kind of knowing isn’t what I ‘m talking about, that is what Google is for. I’m talking about the fact that I know nature is God’s hide out. I know the Holy Spirit is real. I know that nothing I have done is unforgiveable. I know God is love. These are just a sampling of what I know. I can’t wait to tell you more. What do you know? Joan...

Easy Loving

Have you ever said to yourself, “I wish I knew God.” Have you ever tried to know God by praying more, reading more, or maybe hanging around others who you thought knew God in the hopes that it would rub off? Even with all the trying, do you still feel as if you don’t know God? This week in Weekly Word at Firstfruits, we discussed 1 John 4:7-8 in preparation for this weekend’s mass.  These verses have really stuck with me. Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God. Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love. There it is plain and simple, the key that unlocks the door to the knowledge of God. That key is love because God is love. If you know love, you know God. Plain yes, but simple, not so much. With this knowledge of God comes a responsibility. That responsibility is to love one another. On an average day, how well do you love? I know I have fallen short in the love department more than I care to admit. I think that happened because I have always looked at love as someTHING. These verses have opened my mind to the possibility that love really is someONE.  If we can wrap our brains around the fact that God is love and if we abide in Him, we have the ability to love freely and fully. If we stay put with Him, stay tenderly connected to Him, then all we have to “do” to love is let Him out. We just need to freely send God into the people and the places we encounter daily. I tend to get stuck on my definition of love. I set the bar too high and consequently I fall short. I hold myself to a high standard for loving. Rather than working on abiding in God and nurturing a tender connection to God, who is love, I work on honing my loving skills and it becomes a chore that gets tiring. When I let the God love out, I find I’m pretty good at it and it’s easy. Sometimes the God love is very simple as St. Therese mentions in Patricia Treece’s compilation of writings of St. Therese of Lisieux entitled Mornings with Saint Therese. “All I did was to break my self-will, check a hasty reply, and do little kindnesses without making a...

Growing Up

A few days of significant rainfall and the world around me is coming to life. The lawn is getting greener, the bushes are budding, and the garden is fully awake. The ferns are unfurling and the hostas are shooting their tender, yet strong, stalks up through the packed ground. There is such a feeling of newness and promise in the air. It makes me want the same for myself. Have you ever wished you could reinvent yourself? Start a fresh. Be more of who God made you to be. Leave the old buried in the ground and present the world with a new you, the real you. Rid yourself, once and for all, of what causes you rot. Unfurl into a more authentic, genuine, and real you. With age, this desire to live our truth and the freedom that comes with it, often fills our thoughts, which can cause some real confusion and restlessness. It’s a good confusion and a purposeful restlessness. It signals that it’s time for growth and change. Maybe it’s time to be honest and have the courage to face the consequence of that honesty. In the cycle of life, there are times of transition. Times, when in order to grow and flourish in the life God intends for us, we need to make some changes. We need to move from where we’ve been to a new place. Part of this movement involves a letting go of thinking patterns and behaviors that don’t serve us anymore. There is need for a deep dive into the core of who we are and what parts of us we have buried under these patterns and behaviors. Shedding these things brings us more in tune with our real selves, the self that God has been waiting for. This isn’t an easy process. Our thinking patterns and behaviors are often so ingrained in us that we don’t recognize them and are unaware of the bondage they hold us in. With God’s grace and direction this shedding can be manageable and transforming. I have faced a truth about myself recently and am working on the courage to make the changes necessary to feel the freedom I know is waiting for me. I can sense a newness and a growth spurt coming on. My true self is unfurling. I have always believed that the worse thing a woman could be accused of was being needy. I believed that being needy was...